View from the 50 yard line

The post below was actually written many years ago while Barbara was going through her first round of treatment. So much has happened since then. I had no idea these posts still existed when I stumbled upon them yesterday. I am taking that as a sign that I should resurrect this blog so I will be doing this. But I think to make it real I should first post this entry from something like ten years ago...



Our doctor told us that if you include the radiation and chemo Barbara has had as of now we are just about halfway through her treatments. She will be admitted into Sloan Kettering next week to start the next phase of the chemo. (Actually that is the tentative plan as of now but she is fighting the possible onset of a cold so we will see.) The next phase is 6 treatments of systemic chemo to attack any possible microscopic cancer cells of the transformed disease that may be lurking somewhere in her body. She still needs another 6 Omaya treatments into the spinal fluid but hopefully she will be able to get those interspersed with the systemic. All in all OUR goal is to be done with treatments by May 3rd.

This 50% marker has brought up some feelings and thoughts in me. I remember in June when we were first starting all of this and had just received the diagnosis of why Barbara had suffered from the confusion, I was talking to the doctor's nurse and thanked her for all she and Dr. Weiss were doing. I said how amazing I thought they and the rest of the staff at Memorial Sloan Kettering were and she told me that they were not angels. I must have been pouring it on rather thick since she said to me that "after all, they got to go home." Now I see what she meant. This is home for me. And if that is how I feel, just imagine what Barbara must be feeling. I do have to say though that her fighting spirit day after day is a thing to marvel at. Here is one lady who does not feel sorry for herself.

Digging Deep at the End of the Year

Sometimes it is really hard to find positive things to reflect on at the end of a year that was filled with struggle. But if you dig deep enough there are always things to be grateful for. So I am taking out the shovel and starting to dig. Let's see what kind of list I can come up with.

1. I am still here to do the digging
2. Barbara is still at my side (and I'm not talking about her bout with cancer).
3. I have a job (a tremendous accomplishment this year).
4. Spent the holidays with the family.
5. With all the struggles I still manage to smile almost every day.
6. I realize that victory doesn't always mean getting what you want out of a situation.
7. I know that the universe is ever expanding.
8. And since I am an integral part of the universe so am I.
9. There is always next year to try again.
10. I still have much to accomplish along side my mentor Daisaku Ikeda.
    

How Much of the Universe Can You Hold

When you spread your arms wide,
stretching as far as you can,
Trying so desperately to expand your life beyond yesterdays reach,
grasping at straws,
open . . . open . . .
more
how big can you be?

Each struggle places another demand on an already overextended soul,
boldly hanging on with all ones might
Victory is just beyond the horizon,
waiting for you to take that very next step
into the expanse that seemed completely unreachable just yesterday

Take action,
move forward
Cry out like a bird in flight
Defeat is not an option
You have all you need for victory within

When you spread your arms wide,
How Much of the Universe Can You Hold?



So Barbara had another chemo treatment this week. Because of her sensitivity to the drugs and the extreme side effects she had the previous two times, the doctor thought that she should try to take steroids prior too, during, and for a few days after the treatment. Well it worked. No side effects. What a relief. Hopefully now she will be able to get on a schedule of more than once a month treatments. This way we can finally get this over with. It has been stretching out way too long.

Next challenge. Her doctor is leaving Sloan Kettering and moving to Philadelphia. Can you believe this!!! One thing after another. Now we have to wait and see which doctor the hospital decides to move us to. We have requested a specific doctor but have been told the head of the department will make the decision. Seems kind of strange. Rather than react to quickly we will see what happens. But ready to fight if need be.

What do you think? Let us know.

BAM!!!

That's what it feels like. The last week to 10 days. Back on October 6th Barbara got her second chemo treatment. We were so sure that she wouldn't have the same reaction as the first time when she got extremely ill and had to be hospitalized. Then, BAM!!!, she got sick to her stomach immediately after the injection of chemo into the Omaya reservoir. It got so bad that we had to go to the Urgent Care area of the hospital and she needed anti-nausea medication delivered by intravenous. Finally at 9:30 PM we went home. We had been at the hospital since 1:00 PM.

But the next day she felt so much better. Barbara had so many revelations that day. We thought okay we made it through this one. Fortunately, something told me to take her temperature on Thursday morning before leaving for work. BAM!!!, 101.7 fever. Back to the hospital. Sure enough they start up the intravenous antibiotics and admit her. She was upset and I felt so bad for her. I went home that evening and justed chanted and chanted for her to be better. It is so hard to feel helpless in that situation.

Friday morning some resident comes into her room and tells her that she thinks she might have a "touch of meningitis." What the hell!!! Scared the s--t out of us. The head of the team came in later and said she didn't think so. Residents should really watch the language they use.

Anway, by Saturday she was back to her normal self and asking me to bring her Fried Shrimp for lunch. I was elated. By Monday we were on our way home.

At this point Barbara, was really struggling with this chemo thing. Should she continue. Should she try a natural way of curing the Leukemia. For me, I feel like as much as I wish we could treat this in another way, we don't have the luxury of time since we are fighting an illness that is attacking her brain.

The only choice I see for now is the chemo and prayer. Poison to medicine. Nichiren Daishonin says it as plain as that. It is up to our prayer to make sure the chemo works and spares her healthy cells.

So, Thursday roles around and since the doctors all happen to be in Spain on some kind of conference we meet with a nurse just for a check in and blood test. BAM!!! The blood test shows signs that the chemo is starting to do it's job. Her lymphocyte (the bad cells) count is down significantly.

Poison to medicine. Let's go!!! Poison to medicine. Got to keep fighting.

What do you think? B and I would love to hear from you.

Fight Like The War Is At Your Door. 'CAUSE IT IS!

Let me start with an update. Barbara and I went to the premier of the movie Precious this past Saturday. First of all, don't miss it when it comes out. I think November 6. It was an amazing movie about a very difficult story. We went to the premier party at the Plaza Hotel and had a great time. We actually sat one table away from Robert De Niro and Lenny Kravitz. Very cool.

Okay... but Tuesday we are back to reality. Barbara will start up her chemo again. We are a bit apprehensive but no way to go but forward. Our goal... first of all no side effects, and secondly that the treatments are so successful that she does not need to go the full course that the doctor is planning on.

Now for the reason of the title for this post. This weekend I spoke to a few people and realized just how much they were all going through right now. Made me think about struggles and I came to the realization that no matter how big or small your obstacle, it is very easy to be consumed by it and kind of forget what everyone else is going through. For me, that is no way to live.

Any challenge you face will seem much smaller once you make it to the other side of the experience. It is said that a lion unleashes the same force whether he traps a tiny ant or attacks a fierce animal. There really can't be half way action when facing obstacles in life. We must say and do what is necessary at all times or we are not being fair to ourselves.


So, let's stand up and do what we have to do. Fight. This is your only shot.


What you think?

A Battle Once Begun Must Be Won

"A battle once begun must be won. K'ung-ming(an ancient Chinese hero in the novel The Romance of the Three Kingdoms) was very strict in his advice to leaders embarking on a struggle. He was, in other words strict with himself. He said 'If even a single person is harmed, it is my personal responsibility.'"

--Daisaku Ikeda

Barbara is still fighting to overcome her cold but is doing much better. We see the oncologist on Tuesday and talk about when her next chemo treatment will be. We are hoping it can wait for next week because we have the great fortune to have been invited (actually she was invited and I get to go with her) to the premiere of the movie Precious next Saturday night at Alice Tully Hall. We are very excited about it and don't want any side effects to get in the way.

But as stated above "a battle once begun must be won" and we don't want to do anything that may delay our victory. Interesting how I feel our winning this battle is a must not only for us, but in order to show actual proof of our practice. Now that may not be news or odd to those who practice this Buddhism but to others it might seem like adding another "burden" (for lack of a better word) to our already heavy load. But that is not true. This is truly a great opportunity since we get to dig deep within ourselves and learn lessons during the process. "If even a single person is harmed, it is my personal responsibility" ... so I must make sure that not one person is discouraged by our struggle. And if I can actually accomplish this there is no bigger victor than myself.

"If you climb the mountain without absorbing the view"

Earlier today I was reading part of the manuscript of a travel memoir that Kensington (the company I work for) is publishing next June. In the book the author Brad Herzog, takes a quote from Joseph Campbell's thoughts on myths and heroes...


“A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man.”



Then Brad goes on to say...



"The last part, while it may be least exciting, is actually most important. It implies that one falls short of the heroic ideal if there is achievement without understanding, forces overcome without lessons learned and dispersed—that is, if you climb the mountain without absorbing the view."



Now what does that have to do with Barbara and me? In no way am I trying to imply that we are heroes of any kind. We, just like everyone else are trying to live our lives and face the obstacles that approach us head-on. But while in our circumstance any victory would be welcome, it seems to me we would be missing much if we didn't try and learn the many lessons that are there in this trial. Our dear friend Rino said to me yesterday "turning poison into medicine is OUR job."



Getting to the top of the mountain without absorbing the view while we climb would be a pity. As we say in Buddhism our "Human Revolution" is the real benefit. Overcoming this illness (which I tell you unequivocally we will) but not understanding the process is a half victory, and I can't accept anything but 100% victory.



What do you think?